HOME INSPECTION EXPERT (+ Polyphonic prose)

My husband Bob asserts that he’s more qualified than any home inspection experts. He has the best equipment, like a stud finder to see inside our walls, and some other weird stuff, like a long string of little ‘Ping-Pong’ balls. Bob has his mold tester, just to agree with what I can smell. It wasn’t very handy, after our whole wall already fell. All those holes in our walls were awfully intrusive, from those ‘comprehensive inspection probes’, which Bob says were all inconclusive. His pointy moisture meter, especially, doesn’t seem to work too well. The holes look like oozing caramel, plugged up with some sort of ugly gel. Some devices make loud alarm sounds, like the toxic gas meter, whenever Bob's around. He says, “The equipment has operational fluctuations, reacting to personal atmospheric vibrations.” Our home is having problems with the whole foundations, and Bob’s not representing my best expert expectations.